For some reason, I keep waiting to write, waiting for the perfect words to express a feeling that’s often changing. I keep waiting for the right time and for everything to be wrapped up in a neat little bow (who doesn’t love a good bow?). And waiting for a conclusion that is just a life being lived in process. I love a happy ending, but I still have things to do and a life to live, and as most of us know, life is lived in the tension, so here I’m going to share some of my messy middle.
I am still going to share about deconstructing church culture; I have a lot more to say on that. But limiting what I write and share about to just that topic started to feel like a sad mausoleum of a life once lived. Instead, and additionally, I’m going to share things that are current, that I love, that interest me, and what I’m learning as I get older. If you’d like more context for the origin of this blog, please click here. Even though the name has changed, the heart of this blog remains the same.
I changed the name because, while I like Chapel Milieu, it feels like it limits what I’m sharing to a specific niche, and I want to expand beyond that. A few months ago, I shared a picture on my personal page about how I’m almost an expert at killing outdoor plants, and I came up with the name Wilted Endeavors.
The more I thought about it, the more I felt it encompassed my current vibe: a middle-aged empty-nester, and all that entails. This blog will include my journey to finding freedom, rest, and joy. The definition of freedom is: “the quality or state of being free, such as the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action.” Without freedom, can you even have true rest or joy? I cannot.
I’ve gotten really good at monitoring, editing, and censoring myself. So much so that I often care more about how I am perceived, how I look, how I act, what I say, and what I write than why I am doing, feeling, thinking, and being those things. I wasn’t consciously doing this all the time; I had done it so much, for so long, that it became my way of interacting with the world. It has inhibited me in so many ways that I often feel paralyzed by how I may be viewed and end up doing nothing at all.
So, I’ve decided that I’m going to start doing and saying and writing and being the things I want to, simply because I want to. I have often written with an intended audience and the hope that certain people or groups will read and care what I say. Instead, I want to write what I really want to write and say what I want to say. That is my new goal. I think it might be interesting (fun?) to share some of my wilted endeavors. I hope you come along.
“…where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Cor. 3:17
*Some of the articles I’ve written here come from a very dark season, and although I’ve got my bearings now through God’s continued grace and some therapy, I think it’s important to share the hard parts, too. I also have views that have changed since I wrote some of my posts, including doctrines and theology, but I want what I’ve written to reflect the process I’ve gone through. I appreciate your understanding regarding this.
The thoughts and opinions I share are my own and are based on my personal interactions and experiences. I do my best to tell the truth as I remember it, largely based on what I wrote at the time, including texts, messages, emails, comments, letters, and notes.
About Me
I have been in some type of church environment for most of my life. At age 5, I went to live with what would be my adoptive parents, who pastored an Assemblies of God church. Later, at age 28, after I had a family and a conversion experience with Jesus, my life was forever changed. I became a faithful churchgoer and member for almost 20 years.
These last few years unraveled me. My views and beliefs surrounding what we call the church in America changed, and I began searching for the true Church, what it means, and what it looks like. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know if I have any answers except Jesus, his Gospel, the Bible, and guidance from the Holy Spirit. I do have a lot of questions, though.
Credentials? None. Well, I am a layperson in every sense of the word. An amateur, really. But I love information, reading, listening, and asking questions. I love thinking in the abstract and putting together things that don’t necessarily seem connected. I also enjoy sharing ideas and information, often researching topics that arise from personal experiences.
Most importantly, I love Jesus because He first loved me. His grace has covered my life, and I have never been the same since he saved me from my sins, from myself, and unto Himself. That is why deconstructing what church is in our current culture versus what the true Church is has been so grievous to me. I hope you’ll come along as I walk out this journey of deconstructing a (often) harmful church environment and culture, and recovering what it means to be a true follower of Jesus. Again, I don’t have all the answers, but I ask a lot of good questions.
Also, I am a wife to my dear husband, Scott, a mom to two adult sons and two lovely daughters-in-law, and a grandma to two grandsons – the highlight of my life!
-LeDawn
